sad

I feel sad now.

Went to do baito today. I was assigned an all girls group. Actually i'm not 100 percent comfortable with all girl groups, I often get shy and nervous around girls, especially cute girls. It started off pretty shaky... The plan was to have lunch together before going off to other places. We met up at lau pa sat, which was under construction and very noisy. The meeting up was chaotic, before I had a chance to initiate a self intro session they suddenly asked me for food recommendations. Not having the habit of eating at lau pa a sat, I could only give a weak response recommending chinese food and indian food if they liked spicy stuff. I offered to look after their stuff for them while they went off to buy food, but they said they would instead prefer moving from stall to store together and discuss food choices together. So we began moving around the place from stall to store, and they started getting excited about all the food they never saw before, and I could hardly take part in their excitement. After much chaos we finally settled down at the table, which was a very long one and I happened to be seated at one end of it. Thus I couldn't converse with the girls on the other end at all, and thus I didn't find it proper to initiate a self intro session, and thus I began talking with the people on my side of the table while not knowing their names... A very strange feeling. After we finished the food some girls went off to buy dessert and drinks, and I finally had the chance and courage to move to a more central seat and asked everyone to introduce themselves. Usually I forget names even before they finished introducing themselves as i'm very bad at remembering these kinda stuff, but today was an exception, surprisingly I still remember their names now, even though we didn't really talk alot. Ayaka, chieko, chinaru, hitomi, chiaki, eri, mama, bae, miki, natsumi. As far as i'm concerned its a miracle really.

We then went to lucky plaza to do some shopping, and they exchanged for sg money at money changers as well as bought perfume and souveniors at cheap stores.

After that we went to chinatown and they got excited at all the novelties there again, the chinese traditional robe clothing on display, shirts with WTF funny sexual jokes drawn on them, and looked at all the cute souveniors and went "kawaiiiiiiii" non stop. I also introduced them to dried pork meat which most of them liked. As usual everyone complained about the heat, and when a ice cream vendor came by they all flocked to him. Two of them even ate durian ice cream (though one threw it away after a few bites). A few also had cheap spray tatoos done.

Following that there wasn't time left to go to a new location so we decided to go back to the hotel. We arrived abit too early, so we started to take pictures. The teacher told us to talk while waiting for time. So everyone started to stand around me while i was sitting and it felt very awkward. But there wasnt anyway to speak while we all sit at the same time as the 2 rows of sofas were too far from each other. So we started to talk, from all the basic and boring topics. Then suddenly an Israelian sitting beside me started to converse with us out of the blue, with me translating everything from japanese to english and vice versa. That somehow helped eased the tension abit, and he turned out to be a nice guy as well. After he left we started to talk abit more, and they then asked me if i could wait for them to go back to their rooms to put their stuff, and i was quite surprised because usually people say bye at this point. Somewhat pleasantly surprised but also embarrased i said ok, and they came down again after leaving their stuff. They brought along HAJIME GREEN TEA!!!! which made me estatic because i loved japanese bottled green tea, which i mentioned earlier in the day. AHHHH the feeling of paradise when my tongue tasted the tea. Delicious and at the same time brought back memories of my japan trip. But they were standing around me while i was seated AGAIN and that made me feel awkward again -_- Being the bad conversationalist i am i struggled to make up topics before the rest of the jss ppl started to go off. Then i felt sad yet again... i always feel sad when i have to part with a bunch of nice people when doing baito, even more today cos it was kinda special. I wanted to ask for their mail addresses and stuff but at the same time wondered if they were interested in maintaining contact and if i would be a bother if i asked. And i was reluctant to give them my contact too since i feel very sad and rotten if no one contacts me after that (it happened before and i was kinda hurt then). So i left without doing either.

But after walking halfway we sorta turned back towards the hotel, and i went to the toilet because i needed to pee. As i walked out i met them again, who were browsing at one of the hotel souvenior shops. Then i decided to ask if they could send me the pictures they took, and they agreed, so i gave them my address, and wrote my email together with it since i was writing down my address anyway. They then asked me if it was ok to send me mail in japanese, and i said sure. They asked me if it was ok to send me mail in hakata-ben, which i said "sure, i'll decipher it" after a laugh. Then i sort of jokingly asked if they would really send me mail, and i think they didnt answer or i miseed it because of my nervousness, or they didnt get what i was asking (i sorta phrased it in a strange way... i stumble with words all the time when i'm nervous). Then i bid them farewell, this time for good maybe.

And now i'm feeling sad. Subconciously i am hoping for a letter, even though i tell myself not to think about it, because i know i'll feel sad and hurt if nothing comes. I hate this feeling. When i meet nice people when doing baito and enjoy it, and give them my contact after the day, i start to feel this way. When i get bad groups when doing baito i kinda adapt a heck care attitude and just focus on killing time till the ending time and feel totally rotten while doing it. Either way its sad. Baito is so taxing emotionally and psychologically. I wished baitos span more than one day, so that it would be easier to establish some kind of concrete friendship. Its really difficult to be friends with 10 people in one day! And i'm also upset at myself for not being a better guide yet again today, and for being so clumsy with words and expression especially when it mattered.

I suck.